Tall Tale from a Short Girl

It was a dark and stormy night…

Oh wait – it was bright and lovely afternoon.  (Gotta admit, the first set up is a lot sexier.)  I had hopped the T headed for a date in Harvard Square.  This was an online thing so the plan was non-commital hot beverage consumption.  Brice was a six-foot-eight-inch tall non-profit consultant who obviously didn’t get the memo that he was supposed to be a point guard for an obscure midwestern franchise.

Our designated meeting spot was the top of the train station stairs.  Truth be told - we didn’t need to get that specific.  It’s kinda hard to miss someone when they are a full 15 inches taller.  I imagine I was my usual ten or so minutes late.  My date was über prompt and waiting when I arrived.

They say women decide (well, you know) within five minutes.  Unless there’s a significant emotional investment, I usually have four minutes and 55 seconds to spare. This was one of those instances.  I can’t point to a specific reason for the lack of attraction. (Perhaps I sensed emotional availability.)  'It’ just wasn’t there.  Considering high the percentage of people who don’t hit it off - not such a big deal.  Chalk it up to one less man to date in search of that ‘indescribable something’.

In any case, meeting someone new is rarely a complete loss.  Everyone is interesting in some way.  The less apparent it is, the bigger the challenge it is to draw it out.  That’s how I amuse myself, anyways.  As we walked to the coffee/chocolate shop, I commenced with the small talk:

“Are you from around here?”
“You came up here for school. Which one?”
“Bergsen M.B.A., huh? What year?”
“Oh- do you know Drew Smith?”

[Cue: Awkward laughter.]
Brice did know Drew. From the look on his face I could tell that our mutual acquaintance wasn’t gonna earn me any bonus points. Now it was his turn to ask the questions:

“How do you know Drew?”

Well... Drew and I had dated on and off during the 2nd semester of my sophomore year. It was an odd pairing (better suited to friendship) but things ended amicably enough that we kept in touch. My fondness not withstanding, it wasn’t a shocker to learn that someone else held a different opinion. Drew was no diplomat.

Apparently, my old friend had “pursued” Brice’s girlfriend the year before they got together.  I can imagine he was, how shall I say… “forward” in his approach.  Several months after my coffee date, I heard the other side of the story (at Drew’s wedding, no less.) Everyone from the B-school crowd confirmed a similar story.  Basically, Brice hated Drew with the fire of a thousand suns and Drew found the whole thing slightly amusing.

Not withstanding the unpleasant shock dealt to Brice by the fickle internet gods, he was a gentleman and offered to give me a lift home.  I accepted, started to give directions and was stopped mid-sentence.

“Wait, wait, wait… that’s less than a block from where I live.”

It was.  Our backyards are catty corner, on opposite sides of the same corner house.

You might be thinking.  “Wow – what a coincidence!  That’s a great ending to the story.”

You would be wrong.

...


When I got back to my apartment, I told my roommates about my afternoon.  As I was telling the story I remember something.  Something that turned the world from small to flat-out claustrophobic in three seconds flat.

[Flashback to a few months earlier]
My roommate, Hank, and I were chatting in the kitchen.  He glanced out the window as he was stirring the sauce.  All of a sudden, Hank began to gesturing for me to take a look at something- something that I had to see.

“K... K... Come ‘ere. Have you ever noticed this?”

By "this" he was referring to the unobstructed view into the first floor bathroom of the house behind ours... currently occupied by a guy... who was buck naked... on the commode... and obviously unfamiliar with the principals of horizontal blind usage for maximum privacy. That subject must not be a part of business school curriculum.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go poke out both of my eyes while you go outside to see what kind of free show you have been putting on for the neighbors.

It Only Takes One Douchebag to Screw It Up for Everyone

I was 23. A fresh-faced stockbroker right out of journalism school. (Well, what else do photojournalists do to make a living? Don't you judge me.) And I was purchasing my first home. A condo, to be exact.

It was perfect. Located in my favorite little mountain town, right off the Blue Ridge Parkway, with a network of hiking and biking trails -- literally -- right out of my back door. An end unit. Without anyone above or below me. A pool. Best of all: mine, aaaaaall mine.

Having come straight from college, I wasn't prepared for the typical neighbors that exist everywhere. I was used to the late night, heavily drinking, no one above the age of 30 neighbors. Not the "a bit past middle aged librarian/rasta band manager" neighbor, the grown mother and daughter sharing a one bedroom with 10 cats neighbor, or the "crazy camouflage wearing dog hating" neighbor.

Now, I was born and raised in the South, honey. I'm no stranger to animals. My grandparents raised horses, cows, and chickens. I learned how to train horses with my grandpa. I know all about weeks-long hunting trips for deer, turkey, or bears. And I actually know a lot about the habits of the aforementioned animals, not from hunting them, but from listening to my uncles and cousins talk around my grandparent's dinner table on Sunday nights. And no animal elicited more awe amongst these seasoned hunters than bears.

I grew up watching the "urban wildlife" develop around me. In my little mountain town, urban spread encroached on the habitats of local wildlife, forcing them to search elsewhere for food and the means to survive. It was commonplace to see wild turkeys strutting down my street or to upset a group of pheasants in the underbrush on a hike. I remember being so excited at age 8, seeing a bear for the first time, digging through the trash bins outside of a McDooms. I begged my mom to get closer, but she absolutely refused, and with good reason. Shortly after we left, the bear attacked a mother and her two children in the parking lot. (Apparently small humans look strangely like bear food.) I've been a lover of nature and animal behavior ever since.

When I moved into my First Home as a bonafide owner, I was anxious to discover what the surrounding woods held. Trekking down a trail for my first official hike, I came across one of my neighbors. She was the neighborhood Sweetheart, probably in her late 70s, wielding a machete to clear the trails, and had the most divine garden I had ever seen: basically she was a bad ass. As we spoke, she mentioned the nightly -- that's right folks, nightly -- visits of bears to our communal trash bins that were a mere 10 feet from the buildings. It seems that the condo association, a.k.a. the Neighborhood Nazis, didn't want to spend the measly $1000 to purchase bear-proof receptacles, so we had to resort to buying rubber bungee cords to keep the bears from opening the bins and feasting on our trash.

I was never brave enough to venture out and take a look when the bears were in mid gorge because that would mean walking the length of my building in the dark, and there were bears out there, dammit! But every morning, the evidence of their nightly feast was spread around the grass.

A few months after I moved in, I was returning home late one evening, after the sun had set, and saw a small cluster of people gathered at the end of the building where the trash cans lived. Intrigued and always curious, I tottered over on my 4-inch heels (hey, I was still single then) to see what was happening.

What was to come is probably the biggest piece of idiocy I have EVER SEEN (and this is including a neighbor I had in Charlotte that a) used a fucking power drill to aerate his yard, b) went swimming in his pool in a thunderstorm, and c) put his gate spring on the wrong side so that it didn't swing shut, but sprung open and into your face when you opened the latch).

Once I peered past the small gathering of people, which included children and elderly, I saw a mother bear and her two cubs pawing through the garbage. Despite the fact that there is almost nothing more dangerous than a mother bear with a cub, much less two, they seemed completely unperturbed by our presence, and so we all watched them in wary delight. We all watched in wary delight, that is, until Big Tough Camo-Wearing Dog Hater came out of his condo. His unit was closest to the trash bins, so he must have heard the gathering group. (If only we had known, we would have shut up so as not to disturb him from his den.) Camo-Idiot comes out of his house, wearing full hunting regalia, and carrying a high-powered spotlight. Well, okay, sure -- a spotlight. Not so crazy, right? I didn't think so either, until he positioned the spotlight right on the cubs, picked up a hand-full of rocks, and started throwing them. I was already placing my hand on my neighbor-children's shoulders and moving them back from the impending atrocity, when the moron actually hit one of the cubs. The mother bear's head whipped around and stared him straight in the face, she got down on all fours with head lowered, and I don't know exactly what happened next because I had already grabbed the kids and 4-inch hoofed it into my place. I didn't know what happened, that is, until about 2 seconds later when I heard his terrified howl.

Everyone scattered. Everyone but Camo-Douche. What was he thinking, throwing rocks at bear cubs with this group of people standing around looking like future bear jerky? I suppose we will never know, because the bear attacked him, put him in the hospital, and I never spoke to him again.

Every time I think about this little nugget, I can't help but shake my head at nature. If evolution had a consciousness, the bear would have killed him. Hell, I wanted to kill him.

Thank god the man never reproduced.

A Face to Meet the Faces That You Meet

"Good morning, Peter!" Our part-time doorman, a middle-aged Chinese man who commutes in from Queens before I leave for my job is sweeping up the sidewalk out front, smoking a cigarette. I love the way that he smiles with his eyes and agressively nods his head up and down when I greet him.

The tall and lanky owner of the café to my left and the ice cream shop to my right walks between his two locations, chatting with his regulars and keeping watch over his employees who are carrying the morning's freshly baked muffins up from the basement. Sometimes he catches my eye and says hello, but he is so tall that I think he looks over my head to something happening down the avenue.

In the window of the laundry and dry-cleaning shop, the little Chinese lady sits at her ancient sewing machine with her walkman headphones covering her ears. If she happens to look up, she will nod and smile. Later I will need to once again spell my last name when I pick up my laundry, even though I am there every week, but she was so excited when I had stopped in to drop off maternity clothes to be hemmed, wrapping her hands around my new belly and laughing.

A white-haired gentleman sits at the single café table in front of the aforementioned coffee shop. He is tall and attractive, and sits casually and cross-legged, wearing expensive jeans, a button-down shirt, and loafers. Sometimes he talks with a companion and sometimes he sits alone with his espresso. Once again I wonder who he is and what he does, but as always our eyes meet, our heads nod and our hands wave.

Rounding the corner, my little friend at the bodega who is always trying to teach me Spanish arranges the flower bouquets and bids me "Hola! Buenos días!"

French expatriates and nannies rush by with their children and charges to the French school across the street. They are always the best dressed people I will see all day.

Towards the end of block, the teenagers gather outside of the high school, completely oblivious to the world outside of their circle. If I were running a few minutes late, I would catch their teachers herding them all inside with far more attitude than I ever heard from mine. While maneuvering around the mob I see the doorman on the other side of the street wave as he opens the door for one of his wealthy tenants.

The delivery men parked outside of the restaurants on Second Avenue stop their trolleys loaded with meats and produce so that I can hurry past on the sidewalk and cross the street. They seem to be more cautious with me now, with my small but obvious baby bump leading the way.

I am happy to see the old Asian man sitting alone at his table through the window of the corner diner, eating his eggs and toast. He wasn't there yesterday and I'd been worried.

The Eastern European doorman outside of the highrise on the next block asks me how I am today. I reply favorably; I've been grateful for his morning watch since my days managing the 6 a.m. shift at the hotel in SoHo.

Through the bank window on my left, the bank manager who had set my account two years ago is starting up his desk computer. If he had happened to look up at that moment, I know he would have waved today.

On my right, the fruit man is readjusting his price signs. He is not very friendly and even less efficient, but if the light had just turned and I had a spare minute, I would buy a banana or a box of blueberries to suppliment my breakfast. Today he is too preoccupied and the walk sign is flashing, so no words are exchanged.

Across the street, a smiling Middle Eastern man stands in his pushcart making coffee. He looks up and yells out "How are you my friend? Are you good? When will you stop to talk to me again?" as he collects money from the people standing in front of his window. I yell back "tomorrow, Ali, I promise!" and he laughs and waves me on. He would be setting up when I would make this walk at 5 a.m. only a year and a half ago, when he would not let me pass before making me a cup of tea.

At the end of my last block, the newspaper man with his yellow vest who looks like Tim Meadows, with his New York Post and Daily News and scattered Spanish-language papers stacked neatly at his feet, looks uneasily around, jingling his quarters in his vest pocket. But when I catch his attention and smile, he always smiles back with a sincere 'good morning,' even though he knows I won't be buying any papers from him. "Have a good day," I say with a wink, and his uneasiness seems to fade for just a moment. I can't help but wonder what he's so worried about all the time. Maybe it's the NYPD always lurking around the intersection.

There are men handing out free newspapers on both sides of Lexington Avenue. If the light is not in my favor, I will take a paper from the Metro man on the near side. He is new to the corner; the one he replaced stopped me and shook my hand on his last day and I told him he would be missed. The Union Square neighborhood has him now.

On the far side of Lexington, yelling "Metro! Metro! Get your morning MetRO!" is a man I have seen every business day for at least six months now. His papers are always perfectly folded and fanned out, ready to hand to those of us going down into the ground and those coming up, transported from uptown neighborhoods. Dozens of these new transplants are in scrubs, on their way to work in the hospitals scattered within a few blocks.

Downstairs in the tunnel, I know that I will pass a musician on the way to my waiting spot on the platform. Their music will play in my head for the rest of the commute and set the tone for my morning, and so I hope that performing today are the quartet singing Motown, the classical violinist playing waltzes, or the jazz trumpeter channeling Louis Armstrong. Regardless, I will toss a coin or two and wink at the performers, grateful for my neighbors.

Mom, Mrs. Slutty is at the Door!

A few months after we moved to Iran, my aunt, uncle and two little cousins moved out of our apartment where they had been living in our absence and we moved in. We lived on the first floor, in the middle unit of a 12 unit building. And while my parents rarely let us out of the house except for school, the neighbors provided us with plenty of entertainment. None more than the ever scandalous woman I came to know as Khanoom Shelakteh (Mrs. Slutty).

Khanoom Shelakhteh was a youngish woman with two children and a husband that didn't match her in age, beauty or style. Where she was frankly stunning and gregarious (perhaps too much so for the taste of her neighbors), he was a balding man burdened with such shyness that it seemed to weigh heavily on his slumped frame. How the two of them ever crossed paths and agreed to marry is still one of the greater mysteries of my childhood. Perhaps because of her looks and overly friendly nature, she had developed a reputation that caused women of all ages to clasp onto their spouses possessively and guard their sons' eyes. She had also acquired the nickname 'Shelakhteh'. In Farsi, shelakhteh literally means messy, but figuratively is used to mean promiscuous and/or uncouth. I did not know this. I thought Shelakhteh was a name, one of the many, many names I had never heard before. It never occurred to me that her name was always whispered by the older women after she had left, nor did I recognize the disparaging words that were used to describe her appearance. I knew my mother never spent too much time talking to her, but my aunt and uncle spoke of her warmly, removing any suspicion from my mind.

Which is why, I would smile mutely at her when we passed in the stairwell. If she noticed me at all, she would prattle on quickly using words I didn't recognize--until she got to the finale, "May God protect you for your parents.", to which I would reply, "Merci". I once tried to compliment her on her gold lame' Princess Leia outfit, but could only piece together the words "pretty" and "dress". She smiled and dashed down the stairs, glowing in a child's approval. I didn't hear the tsk-tsking of our neighbors, nor did I know they were saying she was endangering her children's reputation.

This went on for about four or five months. One night, my uncle stopped by on his way home from work. He brought some fresh bread and fresh gossip. Sitting at her window perch looking onto the street, Khanoom Shelakhteh had seen my uncle come into the building and a few minutes later came down and rang our door bell. My mom and uncle were deep in government conspiracy theories about the sudden scarcity of chicken and rice, so I answered the door. Khanoom Shelakhteh stood there in all her scantily clad glory and smiles, saying things that included my name as well my uncle's. By this time, my Farsi was much better and I had a good idea of what she was asking. I was also eager to show off my new vocabulary. Which is why I chose my words carefully as I yelled out to my elders, "Maman! Khanoom Shelakhteh dameh dareh mikhad ba Dayee harf bezaneh!" (Mom! Mrs. Slutty is at the door and wants to speak to Uncle!).

To her credit, she never batted an eyelash or said a word. She continued to stand there smiling as my uncle appeared out of thin air and wisked me away, only to be replaced by my very shamefaced mother who apologized profusely for her non-Farsi speaking daughter. After she spoke to my mom and uncle, I got an earful from both of them. I was horrified by what I had done, and swore to never cross paths with her again. I was not successful in anything but avoiding her eyes as we passed each other on the street or in the building. Our little game went on for a few months, until summer vacation at which time I tried to hide indoors as much as possible.

Of course it wouldn't end there. The coals had to be heaped higher.

One rainy afternoon, my brother came home from the produce market and announced that a bunch of the houses on the way had burst pipes and that the rain was causing sewage to flood the houses. Just about then, we noticed the stench of raw sewage. If you've ever been to a house in Iran, you know how horribly bad things can get in minutes. In seconds, my mom was rolling up the rugs, with each of us assigned to one of the smaller rugs. Everything was a frantic blur of movement with the smell of sewage becoming overwhelming, as filthy water started pushing up from the drains. At some point, my mom had opened the front door, ready to sweep the foul water out of the house if necessary. A few of the neighbors from the higher floors stood outside the house, mouths and noses covered, relieved that they didn't live on the first floor.

And suddenly, she was among us. She had rolled up her precious Levi's, kicked off her heels and was wading ankle deep in sewage. With her she had brought a linen closet's worth of decorated towels that were obviously from her trousseau and was soaking up the vile liquid before it reached our bedrooms. She never left, no matter how embarrassed my mom was and how much she insisted that we were okay.

Hours later, as my mom washed the floors and walls with bleach, she guided us outside, away from the fumes. I finally looked at her and spoke to her for the first time since the day she rang our doorbell, whispering, "Khanoom, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it."

Lady that she was, she smiled at me and said, "You can call me Khaleh (aunt)."

The People Under the Stairs

I've lived in my increasingly expensive apartment complex for more years than I care to count. In my time here, I've seen tenants come and go. I've greeted them and smiled the "God, I don’t know your name so please don't talk to me because that would be kind of awkward" smile when we would see each other leaving or coming home from work or some other event that took them outside the confines of our mutual residence, but that was pretty much the extent of my interactions with them. Until I met Kristine, I'd never really taken any interest in my neighbors other than trying to find out if any of them were hot, because I was a whore like that.

Since we've been together, however, this has changed (especially the being a whore part, because that wouldn't mesh well with the whole "relationship" thingy). We've taken steps to interact with those neighbors who seem friendly, we've invited the children of neighbors into our home to play with our kids, and we've even left small gifts for neighbors on holidays. I'll have actual conversations with those I meet in the walkways because *GASP!*, I'll actually know their names now. There are some that we don't actually interact with, but do see on a semi regular basis through open windows, or from afar. Those are usually the ones we just end up giving a nickname like "the masturbator", "scary black lady", "crazy PETCO lady", "the one that's probably a stripper" (turned out she was a palates instructor, but I still think I was close), and "that bitch across the way that won't bring her yapping little jackass dog inside". We like to think of ourselves now as the welcoming committee that lives just above the poverty line.

But, you take the good with the bad.

There is one particular neighbor (isn't there always?) that has managed to crawl under our (mine and Kristine's) collective skin. It started out innocently enough, with casual meetings at night or afternoons when we would walk our Shih Tzu, Thor, and they would be walking theirs, Buttercup. Or as we now refer to her, "that smelly little manic depressive bitch". We'd have conversations about pet care, our professions (the husband was in insurance claims and the wife an office manager for her brother's kitchen cabinet company), families, and the like. The wife seemed a bit off, but we attributed that to the shit for brained spaziness of youth (she's only 23)We even went out to dinner together once, and actually had a good time. From that point, we maintained a casual relationship and promises of future get togethers. Hell, we even let them talk us into spending the weekend at their time share in Palm Desert and attending a time share presentation (yeah, yeah, I know so don't start with me).

Things kind of went down shit creek once she had her miscarriage. Shortly before the Palm Desert trip, she made the announcement that she was pregnant. Great news for them, but who goes to Palm Desert when they’re pregnant? Our forecast for that weekend had been good times with a high chance of getting wasted, so her being all preggo pretty much rained on that parade. Anyway, about a month or two after that, she miscarried her baby. Being a parent, I can understand that the thought of losing a child is number 1 on a parent's List of Nightmarishly Horrible Shit You Don't Want to Ever Have Happen. To actually have it happen to you is something I don't even want to entertain the thought of.

Now, for those of you that may or may not have children but may someday want them, I may be getting into a divisive issue. Once she had her miscarriage, she was understandably depressed for while. She just lost what would have been her first child. I have kids, two of them, so I get that. Understood. 10-4. Roger. Aye aye, Cap’n. If I'm not mistaken, it was about the size of a large potato when she lost it. Some features had formed, in particular the hands and feet. However, she took grieving to a whole other God damned level. Case in point: currently there are what must be over a dozen sonogram pictures covering their refrigerator. She even went so far as to create a shadow box of memories for it that is hung on her living room wall. Now, here is where I completely checked out of anything more than a "Hi, how are you" relationship with these folks. Contained in this shadow box are a couple of knick knacks pertaining to the fetus. The crown jewels in this piece of morbid memorabilia are the hand and foot prints of the fetus taken after it was removed. So, after losing the fetus, she deliberately had hand and feet prints of the fetus taken so she could keep them. Dead baby prints. Little curled up, claw like prints of the hands, and smudged prints of the curved, not quote formed feet. That's just 31 flavors of fucking creepy, okay?. Perhaps I'm too pragmatic, maybe I'm just an insensitive prick, but I believe there is an appropriate amount of time to grieve for the loss of a child or loved one, and then there is a point at which you enter into "Poor me" territory. It's no longer about you grieving over the loss of a loved one, instead your grieving becomes a tool by which you can elicit attention for yourself in a guilt free way. Who is going to call you out on your own bull when you're doing it all under the umbrella of your dead fetus' memory, right? Right.

Shortly after this, she quit her job and has begun various get rich quick, work from home schemes that have yet to produce any substantial income from what I can tell. Her first idea was to buy a pallet full of utter shit (on credit) and try to resell it at a ridiculous mark up. By "shit" I mean the kind of crap you would find at Big Lots, and cheaper. I'm talking about broken home decor, old Christmas decorations, candles, over sized clocks, you name it. All this stuff is strewn about their small apartment in some kind of haphazard "come view my wares, kind sir/madam" display. And they'll be paying for it for y-e-a-r-s. This was to be followed shortly by her current scheme: A line of hand made jewelry called Havannah's Jewels. Why Havannah? Because that was the name of her fetus. Oy.

How do we know about all of her get rich quick schemes? She won't stop telling us about them. She's asked for our help in designing, making, even marketing the crap she calls jewelry. She's invited Kristine on trips to stores to try to get them to sell her jewelry. She's asked us to host jewelry parties so she can foist her monstrously overpriced baubles on others. She's sent text messages at eleven o'clock at night asking us to come over and look at a design. The website for her crap looks like something thrown together in a junior college remedial web design class taught by Richard Simmons, with photographs from Headshots.

Now, here is what may be my biggest gripe: She seems to be content with getting whatever she can for free, whether it's borrowing various household supplies, asking for assistance, hell even asking us to watch her dog for three days so she can fly to New York to try and scam a store into selling her jewelry. All without as much as a "thank you". She even brought a friend of hers, who would be a complete stranger to us, into our home so said stranger could sell us candies in order to raise money for her fertilization procedure... what the motherfuck what?!

In the back of my mind I do feel sorry for whatever child they (the neighbors) do manage to bring into this world. It's enough that its mother is a nut case control freak, but to have to live in the shadow of its late sister/brother will be a tremendous burden. Who knew a fetus could cast such a huge shadow?

Throughout all this I watch her husband with a mix of pity and utter bewilderment. The poor guy seems to stoically trudge along, content to be the Atlas upon which the entire weight of her insane world rests. Dragged from one scheme to the next, with the detritus of past machinations littering his home, the clawed grip of the child that never was clamped firmly on the back of his neck he seems to be content with his role in things. I think I may be seeing some cracks in the armor, but that may just be out of my hope that he one day sits her down and talks some sense into her.

Until then, when I see them I'll smile and say "Hi, how are you?"